Let's say you find yourself in Bermuda, but you're not really a knee-socks-and-shorts kind of guy. Let's say you prefer thongs and slings, or maybe nothing at all. And let's say your lady friend has forgotten her swimsuit at home, and she's not taken with the British colony's selections because she's more a fan of dental floss.
Bermuda loves its pink, but the island's approach has always been poplins and pastels. Fortunately, Cambridge Beaches Resort & Spa can get you out of your pickle. Set on 30 acres on Bermuda's western end, secluded by four private beaches, the resort is the island's sole adults-only property. For starters, that means a clothing-optional deck, which circumvents Bermuda's ban on nudity on the beach by keeping its sands irreproachably pristine.But the real fun happens indoors, away from the perils of the sun. The 10,000-square-foot Ocean Spa and Roman-style Aquarian Baths offers couples treatments ranging from "The Lovers Journey" – a guided meditation intended to increase sensual energy – to an outright "Sensual Awakening," which includes private time for mutual exfoliation and so-called "nourishing" with honey. But no matter if you're alone (or your companion has selfishly gone golfing for the day), there's also the hedonistic "Sensual Bliss," a massage with deep flowing strokes over the buttocks, abdomen, and chest or breasts. At $165, you'd only find cheaper on the backstreets of Bangkok.
Afterwards . . . you can explore the traditional resort options – water sports high among them – before retiring to one of the 94 cottage-style rooms and suites, all with private terraces or patios (in case a dollop of exhibitionism is your thing). A few two-bedroom cottages are also available, ideal for families and maybe swingers. Spa bathrooms have whirlpools with loads of body jets, and there's a "bath butler" on call, if you need additional help with the soap. You can also seek the services of a "romance/proposal concierge," or delve into the "Little Black Book," a catalog of items room service will deliver to your door without a smirk. There are rose petals, chocolate body paints, satin blindfolds, and a massage candle that melts into edible massage oils, while still tasting of watermelon. But the $55 lipstick vibrator is the resort's bestseller, while the multi-speed vibrating ring looks curiously pink and like Bermudian coral. www.cambridgebeaches.com